How Far Away Is Here?

I've said this before, but the act of getting yourself together and packing your life in boxes that you may not see for years, if ever again, seems interminably hard for me. The more I get things wrapped up and gone from sight the poorer I feel. And then I'm not talking exactly moneywise. I just feel so stripped. I tried to explain this before, but however trivial or mundane my belongings may appear I still have to plead guilty to leaning on them for support, confort, sense of self and history. How will I do when I find myself in a new place, new country, with new people, new circumstances and new rules without anything familiar to cling to.

You can say that my flat is lousy (sure, it's small), that my furniture's not classy (and it isn't - it's also completely unassorted), that my equipment isn't the best of the best, that my plants are dry, that my wardrobe is outdated, that my books are eccentric and that my music is lame. But they're mine, and I'm comfortable with them, they speak to me, and finally: it is home.

And home is not something I am likely to find in the next few years. It's more likely to be sort of a 'vagabondage'. Which is fun and exciting and all that, sure. Just not cozy, not comfortable and not home.

I feel ashamed to have lost the sense of adventure, the desire for new things and the thrill for the unknown. I feel a little discouraged to be engaging now in the same journey as 18 years ago, although this time with a little more experience in my backpack, but more responsibilities. I wonder if I'll have the same survival abilities and the same stamina as then to make it all the way. And all this after stripping myself of my past, saying goodbye to people, places and things I know, goodbye to the souvenirs I've collected, to my little nest and to my security.

Because I want to be with this guy. And he will make it up to me, oh, sure. But in the meantime it's no use even trying to have him understand why this process requires efforts and pain on my behalf. When he's as totally self sufficient as I am not. And I feel petty even to be having these thoughts of regret and nostalgia for everything I'm leaving behind. While he will be happy wherever he is and whatever he has, as long as he has a good scientific problem to turn around in his head. And I will be missing my balcony view, my bookshelves, my downtown stroll, my photo albums, my milk foam, my bathtub, my postcards and stupid things like that. Am I a material girl??

Time for Life

I notice that when I have a lot to do is also when I don't do much. I mean, when you are living exciting times, with lots of changes and so many things happening, life kind of gets in your way of living it.

May I therefore wish now for a life without happenings. A life where nothing big is coming up, nothing to boast or brag about, just the regular train, no stress about missing this or that, and lots of time for doing nothing, i.e. spending time with people, making great dinners and brunches, going to events, art, theatre, dance, concerts, movies, reading. And spending time with people you like, or did I already say that?

I think a boring life could indeed be very interesting.

Moving or What ...?

My boyfriend scolded me yesterday for how slowly my packing is going. But, I don't even know yet when I will be leaving. "How many boxes did you pack yet?", he asked me. "Uhm, a few?", I answered. Plus a few that I threw out. That's good packing too! How do I explain that I've been sitting around reading old love letters and stuff ...

He also thinks I shouldn't be working, I should concentrate on packing. Well, it's just ..., well, I gotta pay all these bills. This month I have a big payment on my mortgage, as well as my student loan, then there's the insurance fees for my car and for my house, there's the real estate taxes, and so, honey, I need the money!

But he has a point! Thing is though, I still don't know what to do with all the boxes I already have packed. Now, where do I put those? I sure wish all this was somehow taken care of so that I could focus on more important things ...

I sat this weekend with a friend who just moved into a new house. It's like coming out of a big tunnel, when finally everything has been unpacked and put into place. Moving is fun, but the act of moving has to be one of the most boring things on earth.

What's With this Bobby Fischer Case?

I usually try to stay out of political matters, but what's the deal with Bobby Fischer? How can an elderly chess champion (yet whose mental faculties don’t seem fully intact) be a threat to international security, really? Why would you hold the man in isolation and not allow him to have contact even with his lawyer?

The champion has been in exile for 13 years now and imprisoned for 8 months. One can dispute whether that is punishment enough for his crime of playing chess in Yugoslavia under the U.S. sanctions. But who knows if he’s ever going to even get a trial. No progress seems to have been made in his case since the beginning of his detention, and it sounds like his life and his talent are fading away in prison. Although I have found his speech and his comments appalling and disgusting in the past, including his anti-semite remarks, that is not the point.

I don’t understand the Americans. The whole affair doesn’t even make the news in America. The former hailed champion/hero has lost their interest. Sure enough, he is neither Rambo nor Rocky! On the other hand, if Bobby Fischer was a dolphin, I am convinced that he would be out there swimming in the sea by now, eating herring and playing with his dolphin friends.

Back to Business ...

My personal computer was brought back to life. I had been without it for a month and was almost getting used to life without one. It does take getting used to, but when one does it actually provides a sort of relief.

As it happens, I have taken on less work than I otherwise would have, the loss of my computer serving as excuse. Now that I have one again, on the other hand, I feel more and more compelled at nights to turn it on and "do some stuff". For instance yesterday I did some bookkeeping. For the next weeks to come I will probably be spending time putting together some teaching material, on my computer. And I will work on my photos, for sure.