nunc obdurat et tunc curat ludo mentis aciem,

(first oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it)

Exactly two weeks 'till I leave. And I can finally say that I'm somewhat starting to look forward to it. I have mentally started to leave this place (although with pain). It's hard to leave but I have to. Have no idea when I'll be back next time. Have friends and family that I'm not going to see now for an indefinite time.

When I drive back and forth from work, I mentally photograph all the nice angles and views on the way. I hope to save these snapshots in some good spot in my memory. And I make myself to the idea that I'm most likely never going to live in my house again. (That is, not unless we f*** up big time!) I have lots of nice possessions, equipment, goods, accessories that have served me well; I am now taking them to the Red Cross, where they will continue to serve someone.

During this process, I feel continuously a little nauseated. I think it’s fear. But it will provide a huge relief to be done with all this. And I believe that things will really start getting better then. Anyway, it’s a huge step forward to have a flight ticket in hand and to know that my guy is just waiting for me to arrive. I think time will cure everything …

semper crescis aut decrescis; vita detestabilis

(ever waxing and waning; hateful life)

As much as my flat actually looked livable when my future tenants came to visit it, it now is completely unappealing. Or more precisely, a complete nightmare! All closets and cupboards have now been emptied and objects are scattered all over, on tables, counters and floors. I'm very much looking forward to the next phase, which will consist in actually shipping everything, thus cleaning up the flat.

I’m astounded at the volumes that come out of my closets. I was beginning to think it was neverending. Well, it wasn’t, but it still was a lot. Why do I have so many things? Do I need them? And if I need them, then why are they locked up in my closets? And how come I didn’t even know I had them?

O Fortuna, velut luna statu variabilis

(O Fortune, like the moon you are changeable)

I have tenants for my flat now, so I will sign a lease with them in the next few days. They're siblings and they lived in Germany for twelve years, so I'm assuming they will be very clean, reliable and accurate! My task now is to empty the flat, although they probably wouldn't mind keeping my washing machine, fridge, bookshelves, and maybe a bed, a sofa, TV, dining table and chairs.

So, I'm at the point now of reserving my flight ticket. Stuff goes on ship, I go on plane, everybody's happy!

First Day of Summer

Summer officially arrived yesterday. That's a joke, of course, and yesterday was despite mild temperatures rather chilly, gray and humid. Today, looks more promising though. In any case, I'll have to go change the tires on the car today, and take out the spikes.

I might have renters for my flat. I need to sum up the monthly expenses to figure out the appropriate amount to rent it for ...

12 Steps to Inefficient Packing

I want to get home early today. My packing plan is SO not working! I come home from work between six and seven most days, and what do I do? Not much. I turn on my computer and check my e-mail. I read the paper. I make some dinner. I watch the news. And then I move some boxes back and forth. Begin packing a new box and run into problems filling it. Put it aside and begin another one. Wonder where to put it. Decide I need to clear out some space and begin to sort through things I might be able to throw away. Open some closets and take out things I might want to sort through as well. Get confused. Decide that I need to do some cleaning before I pack any more. Start folding things up again, putting them away into closets, and ranging them into shelves. Fill up the closets. Do some cleaning. Give up cleaning, because there's so much stuff lying around and so many boxes in the way that it's useless. Try to pile up the boxes a little better. Feel tired. Sit down and watch the rest of a show for a while. Panick. Stand up and try to get going again. Feel exhausted. Do the dishes. Go to bed.

FlickR

FlickR is SO cool! I took a one year PRO subscription there early this year. Flickr has now prolonged it to two years, for free, doubled the monthly upload limit, and is also offering me two 2 FREE Pro Accounts to give away. I just need to decide whom (- Any volunteers?) I want to give them too ...

I recently set up a Flickr Badge that displays my photostream here on my blog page, just to try it out. Flickr's got some really nice features and they're gonna be adding some more that I look forward to. So, photo uploads will be an integral part of the blog in the future ...

Incapable ...

Some days are just so incredibly hard, with respect to getting everything together, and at the same time being apart. Some days I feel as if all my energy has been sucked out, some days it's as if I'm making a step backwards. Like today, when I find out that a window is leaking in the kitchen. So, just when I think I'm getting closer to emptying my flat, it's just to realize that I have all this maintenance work to do in it. It's clear that I will have to find a carpenter and a painter to fix that window problem, while none are handy. I also observe that a cover is loose by the front wheel of my car, rubbing as I drive, so I might as well take the car to the garage too.

But worst of all, I can't share my worries with anyone. Nobody wants to hear about my moving. Not the people I'm leaving; all they want to hear is me postponing my departure. And not C. because he just wants my to get on a plane and get my ass down there; doesn't want to know about work issues, engagements, packing, tax reports, house maintenance, real estate or tenants, storage problems, finances, visas, audits, shipping, no, no, no ... Just the good stuff! Meet you where, and when?

I'm near exhaustion sometimes. I scored a 474 at a stress test where the level of serious stress was measured at 300. The last year may seem uneventful on a day-to-day basis, but has provided us with multiple sources of stress: separation, death in the family, personal illness, marriage, loss of a job, new job in a new field, going back to grad school and moving (actually emigrating).

I try to deal with these things at night, when I come home from work. And I may call my husband, for support. But lately, rather than not, I tend to find him grumpy, distant, impatient and accusative. I talk with him, and then I just feel paralyzed, I sit and let the anxiety take me over, and I worry about all the things to do, and I feel incapable of doing any ...

Poetry in the Hot Pot

We almost forgot we meant to return yesterday, we were just having a swell time ... But, you know, there's work and all that.

The weather was just fine, but wind was blowing hard this weekend along Kjalarnes and Hafnarfjall on the way, and a storm warning was out half the weekend. Although we hardly felt the storms ourselves, aside from hearing some blowing during saturday night, those who had been considering joining us were completely discouraged. So, we didn't receive any guests, finally.

But that was fine. We had plenty to do. We had a little walk in the woods, watched movies (we had brought video tapes: Edward Scissorhands (1990), Bugsy Malone (1976), I am David (2003), just perfect for E.), hung out in the hot pot and spent two and a half hours on a jigsaw puzzle sunday. Also, E. recited poetry and sketched a drawing for the guestbook.

All in all, very peaceful, and enjoyable.

Retreat, Relaxation, Recharging

Weather looks gray, sky is overcast, forecast says "rain".

Think E. and I are gonna have a cozy weekend. Gonna bring up to the summerhouse books, board games, movies, popcorn, sweets, swimsuits (for the hot pot), raingear (for the hike) and some good music.

Will of course also need to stock up on food, some steaks for the barbecue, potatoes to bake, nice salad, bread, cheese and a bottle of wine (that I'm not gonna share with E), and probably also noodlesoup, cheerios, pancake mix and syrup.

There are only two things on the agenda: 1) Resting, 2) Smelling nature.
Promises (if the plan doesn’t fail, meaning unexpected guests) to be very relaxing. Which is the only way I can justify doing this escape at a time where I should be focusing all my efforts on moving …

What's the Season?

People are still debating whether spring arrived yet, or not. I don't take part in these discussions anymore. Or, maybe spring really is making its way, but then, it's gonna be a cold spring anyway. I don't remember the weather behaving in such a schizophrenic manner around this time; I mean, spring was declared by some more than a month ago, when temperatures went sky-high. But a lot has gone on since then. All sorts of weather disasters, rain storms, heavy snow, freezing temperatures, hail storms, with appropriate traffic incidents. For the last few days the pattern has been this: it's winter in the morning, it's summer in the afternoon. So, I keep warm gloves in the car for sweeping the snow and scraping the ice off my windshields in the morning, but leave my warm coat at home and make sure to wear something light to work.

I'm heading out of town for the weekend actually, and have no idea what to expect there. Although the summerhouse is partially sheltered in the woods, the winds from the close-by glacier are icy cold. Will there be snow all over? Will it be freezing? That's for us to find out ...

Counting Down

I guess my departure is imminent now. I don't know yet, but it must be. I have for instance noticed that I'm unconsciously working on emptying my appartment, my kitchen, my fridge. I have found myself thinking when I buy toilet paper, olive oil, coffee, soap and such, that this is probably the last time I make that purchase here. Next time I will be shopping for different products in a different place, maybe "Henry's Market", who knows ...

All my books are packed now, and that makes for a lot of boxes! Honestly, I don't know where to put them. I won't ship them, 'cause C. doesn't want to have anything to do with them, for the time being at least. We don't have room for such luxury as personal things, really. But, maybe we'll get a bigger flat. Or maybe not ... I find 1700$ a month for rent to be as much as our budget can take for the moment. (Unless either of us goes out of Academia and starts earning "real" money with a "real" job ...) And 1700$, for heaven's sake, it's not New York! What justifies such a rent anyway, I mean, there's plenty of space for everyone, isn't there? OK, I guess real estate is rather inflated in these parts. Must be a neat place, if everybody wants to be there too.

I hope to make out the details of the departure soon.