Chivalry in the 21st Century

I recently read with amusement the blog of a young woman who derided the habit of European men to have ladies exit the elevator before them. Funny that this should be upsetting!

I have had the chance to grow up in a relatively non-discriminatory society. Here, women are prone of course to accept lower remuneration for their work than men and to carry main responsibility for the home … , but otherwise men and women are considered equals. Pretty sound and healthy. At the same time the consensus has become that practices that defy symmetry between the sexes, including all expressions of male chivalry, are outdated. What a pity!

Because I have also had the chance to experience the old fashioned European courtesy manners, and even if it took a while for them to grow on me, I now find them delightful. Frankly, what woman would object to having a guy show her some reverence and respect for her feminity? Should she in any way feel threatened if a man was to show her how conscious he was of her womanhood? Or patronized? Or put down? Or disregarded? Or made fun of? By all means, no. Enjoy it, girls! Especially if it’s becoming so rare …

There are a few gestures that I always appreciate, even if I will admit that they are not necessarily crucial:

• If a man opens a door for me, especially when I’m all dressed up, and even more flattering will be to get an admirative look as well.
  
• If a man stands up to greet me or salute me, when I enter or leave a place, instead of sitting like a potato-bag giving me at most a slight nod. The former somehow makes me feel important (and I wonder why …)
  
• If a man, at a bar or a party, offers to fetch the drinks (even if I’m paying). In particular, I don’t find it very ladylike to have to fight my way to a counter to get a drink to hold. If a man can spare me that experience, I’ll be grateful.
  
• If a man has me precede him into a room, into a restaurant, or into a row of seats. Or even out of the elevator, since we were talking of it. Also, if there’s a crowd, I think I’d rather have the man follow me, than to try to keep up with him or see him evaporate into the crowd.

There are those I find a little irrelevant, although occasionally they might be cute:

• When a guy wants to pull out the chair for me.
  
• When a guy insists to hold the car door for me at all times.
  
• When a guy wants to hold the umbrella for me (especially if it’s awkward, because it might be raining to hard, or hardly raining at all, or because the guy is so short that he keeps poking my face with it …)

Then there are those examples of lack of courtesy that I abhor:

• When a man slams a door in my face, as if I was ‘see-through’. Especially if the door is heavy and/or my hands are full.
  
• When the man sitting next to me at a dinner table is handed a course and instead of passing it on puts it out of reach for me. (“Come on, do you really want me to beg?”)
  
• Also, at the dinner table, when I have the bad fortune of sitting next to a man who pours his glass all the time, but never offers to pour mine, even if it’s empty.
  
• When a guy I only know moderately asks me out and then doesn’t offer to pay, even if I was planning on paying my share. Or worse, takes off to the bathroom and leaves me with the check when the check is brought. Or begs me to excuse himself for having left his wallet at home.
  
• When somebody comes up to me to offer something or ask something, and a man interrupts or cuts me short.
  
• When a man pretends to want to help me into my coat but then drops it before I can grab it.

In brief, I am bound to resent anything that prevents me from acting like a lady or puts me out of my ease. Not because I don’t value my independence or the equality of rights, or because I don’t share feminist opinions, but simply because life is so much more pleasant when everybody aims to please. Most of the time it doesn’t cost much, so why discount it ?