Incapable ...

Some days are just so incredibly hard, with respect to getting everything together, and at the same time being apart. Some days I feel as if all my energy has been sucked out, some days it's as if I'm making a step backwards. Like today, when I find out that a window is leaking in the kitchen. So, just when I think I'm getting closer to emptying my flat, it's just to realize that I have all this maintenance work to do in it. It's clear that I will have to find a carpenter and a painter to fix that window problem, while none are handy. I also observe that a cover is loose by the front wheel of my car, rubbing as I drive, so I might as well take the car to the garage too.

But worst of all, I can't share my worries with anyone. Nobody wants to hear about my moving. Not the people I'm leaving; all they want to hear is me postponing my departure. And not C. because he just wants my to get on a plane and get my ass down there; doesn't want to know about work issues, engagements, packing, tax reports, house maintenance, real estate or tenants, storage problems, finances, visas, audits, shipping, no, no, no ... Just the good stuff! Meet you where, and when?

I'm near exhaustion sometimes. I scored a 474 at a stress test where the level of serious stress was measured at 300. The last year may seem uneventful on a day-to-day basis, but has provided us with multiple sources of stress: separation, death in the family, personal illness, marriage, loss of a job, new job in a new field, going back to grad school and moving (actually emigrating).

I try to deal with these things at night, when I come home from work. And I may call my husband, for support. But lately, rather than not, I tend to find him grumpy, distant, impatient and accusative. I talk with him, and then I just feel paralyzed, I sit and let the anxiety take me over, and I worry about all the things to do, and I feel incapable of doing any ...